2019. 11. 17.

2019/11/17. - írta: Vitzus

So the truth is that for more than a month now, I've been in a bad place mentally. Even though a big part of it was the end of my relationship of more than 3.5 years, I am not heartbroken or sad. It is not longing after him anymore, it is much more than that, I think that was just the catalyst. Yes, sometimes you see me cheerful or even happy, but those are rather short moments. I haven't felt whole for a while now. I've been experiencing a huge load of apathy, sometimes seasoned with an existential crisis. I am too sensitive to the things happening in the world or to my friends, so even though consciously I don't get TOO involved, it still brings me down for days. Some of these friends I can't even help which makes it worse.

My PhD is making progress in baby steps which is good, but I should be way more forward than I am now. On the one hand, I am literally SCARED of the things I have to do in my research projects, I am dreading some of the things, I am afraid to contact people and I am even more afraid to fail. When time is tight you don't get much space to correct your mistakes and this is scary enough as it is. Not to mention the constant impostor-syndrome and self-doubt. Since I had to teach myself almost everything that is involved in my research it is only natural that I don't actually believe in any of my skills. Some things succeed but it would need only one pair of professional eyes to basically say that my whole research is flawed, based on wrong principles or just wrong.

I had a super depressive day last month when I suddenly felt I lost half of who I used to be and nothing has been the same ever since. I have become who I never wanted to be, I've become superficial and I started to place my self-worth to whether others praise and love me or not. I've become too focused on the momentary small happinesses. The fact that it is dark half the time does not help, either.


I need to get my shit together but I feel like this picture. Climbing up a steep slope where my feet are CONSTANTLY slipping down, and if I do slip down, there is NOTHING under me. This is the scariest. In addition, there are stones and boulders that are rolling down the opposite direction so I have to pay attention to both not slipping down (that is, constantly walking upwards) and also handling this boulder.


I'd like to believe that I'm capable and I got this, but I don't. I will continue with my baby-steps but I accomplish so little a day that I only feel guilty and worthless.
I also feel generally overwhelmed, and the social media retreat only helped so much. There are too many obligations to handle requests to fulfill and people to answer to. Among all this noise I feel completely lost, I don't hear my own voice anymore.
For whoever is reading this, please always make sure to hear your own voice first and let yourself be guided by it and "open your heart to the light": I will try, too.

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